On a Serious Note.

I've avoided blogging about this for a while now, but I think it's time to tackle the subject. One of the most important reason I blog is for my own memory sake and if for no other reason than that I would like to get some of these feelings recorded. And who knows, it just may help me cope through some of the difficulties we've been experiencing recently.

Taking in Cati and Braden four months back was not something we wanted to do. We felt forced into it from the beginning and it wasn't until later (when we took a break from being so selfish) when we became aware it was God's desire for us. Although we believe this is God's will for us and the children, at this point in our lives, it's not been an easy road. In the beginning it was typical behavior problems, such as lying, back-talking and general disrespectful behavior that made us question our decision to go forward. Now, however, that we've been raising these two children going on five months the issues at hand are much larger and much more difficult (emotionally) to deal with. We both find ourselves caring more and more for them as time goes on and, while we would be somewhat relieved if they were sent back to live with their father, we would also be heartbroken. And yet, that is a possibility. The probability of that possibility is not great, but there is always a chance.

My great fear is that their father, who, in my opinion, is a masterful manipulator, would somehow outsmart the system, get these children back and not care for them in the manner in which they deserve to be cared for. I have been having constant conflict within myself since our court date two weeks ago. I logically know God is in complete control of this situation, and that He loves both Cati and Braden very much. I also know I need to trust in Him and not lean on my own understanding of the situation at hand, as we are instructed to do in Proverbs 3:5. Why is it that humans (me, in particularly) struggle so much with that instruction? I fear for these children. I fear for the possibility of their father being a permanent negative influence in their lives. I worry if I've done everything possible to protect them from him? I want to be in control. But why? God is so much bigger than me. He is able to see and understand things I can't even begin to comprehend. Why can't I just trust Him?

And then there's the hurtfulness dispensed regularly from both Cati and Braden. My heart aches every time one of them says "I miss my daddy," or "I want to go live with my daddy." Really? You want to live with a man that dropped you off at a woman's home and visited you once or twice a month over the past two and a half years? Don't you see he'll do it again? Don't you see he is too selfish to love you the way you deserve to be loved? Don't you see love isn't given through a few toys he brings to mandatory visitation...it's given by actions from the heart? I want to say all those things to them, but can't. I can't paint that picture of their father. They have to figure it out on their own. And they will one day, but at what cost? I don't think they have intentions to hurt our feelings, but it happens regularly. And now that visitation has started all they talk about is their father. How he promised to bring them pizza next week. How he read them a book. How he is trying harder to be a good dad. I feel like he is taking advantage of their little brains and hearts, and it makes me angry.

The best case scenario (and this would be a complete miracle from God) is that their father would surrender his live to the Lord, clean up his life and live to love these children as any child deserves to be loved. I don't see that as a real possibility, primarily because I've known this guy way too long, but God is capable, so it remains an option. Worst case scenario is that the children will be given back to him and he will continue to ruin his life, while ruining theirs at the same time. There is no telling what might become of Cati and Braden if they are released to go back to him, without a major life change that involves God. Ideally, something in the middle of the best and worst will happen. At that point I will just have to sit back and know that God will make whatever decision He will make for a reason. And in the meantime I have to surrender my fears to Him, which I'm sure will be easier said than done.

This is by far the most difficult thing I've dealt with in my life. I fought it so hard in the beginning because I didn't want them to disrupt our family, but now I feel if they are instructed to go back to their father, our family will be disrupted again. Funny how time changes things. I pray that the Lord will keep giving me strength to get through these next twelve months, and I pray for favor to be shown to the children throughout this long, emotionally draining, process. If you could please stand with me in prayer for all these concerns I would greatly appreciate it.